Why do I continuously feel like I am being let go? People keep leaving… nothing works out the way I want it to… is that because You and I have different ideas of what my path should be? Is it that I am impatient and want to walk at a faster pace than You? Or is it that I have some skewed perspective of where/what the place that I am walking to actually is?

I have never doubted nor denied the fact that I have issues with control. It’s in my blood; the heartache of this struggle pumps through my veins. Anxiety, loss of sleep and emotional turmoil have been precedent in my life for too long! I know I have the ability to LET GO of this control; ultimately, the only thing that will inevitably seize it from controlling my life… apparently, lately, I have come to realize – or contemplate for that matter, that the only thing controlling my life is God.

My whole life I have tried taking the world on by myself… it’s no wonder I am SO EXHAUSTED! Reminding myself to breathe and to put one foot in front of another is frequent on my mental to-do list. I have been so naive to believe that I could do it all by myself.

It’s been 4 years, 4 months, and 28 days since losing my brother… this horrific event is one of two, of the hardest and most painful experiences that I have ever endured and am still enduring… losing my brother is one of the greatest gifts that I will ever receive in my life… it has taught me an infinite amount; it has molded and structured my morals, values and most of all, my character. Some of the most painful things we experience are life’s most valuable lessons. Pain is inevitable, however struggle is optional. This is where having Faith comes in. Trusting that God has a plan for me. Acknowledging that not all my questions have answers… Letting go of trying to control everything in my life and giving that power to the Lord.

I have always believed that some greater energy force was aiding me in my journey… I thought life was all about exchanging energy and positive thinking… letting go of negativity and the things that rape us of the little energy that we are holding on to  – it is, but it goes much deeper than that. God has bestowed upon me some extremely painful lessons. I guess I never made the connection between God and that energy force I was talking about.  So, is that gift I mentioned earlier from God? …it must be. I have to trust that and have Faith that something better and more joyous is down the road for me… otherwise, what’s the point? Without Faith or trusting God, this world is full of darkness.

I have always believed myself to be a spiritual person, but having a relationship with God never felt quite right. I knew I couldn’t force it – I still can’t. I just have to have Faith and believe that the Grace of God will bless me.

It feels like the walls are closing in on me,
my aperture keeps stopping down…
I’m losing light…
I have what Jack Johnson refers to as, the f-stop blues… about life.

If I have ever wanted anything in this world, I want Him to draw open the shutters…
Let the clouds pass, just momentarily while I regain composure.
Your light is like a warm blanket. …and God, I am really cold!

Warm my soul and I will follow you.
Envelope me in your blanket of warmth.
Bless me with Hope and the courage to have Faith that all of this, painful as it is, is part of your plan…
I will surrender all control to You.


2 thoughts on “Control

  1. WOW! I am so happy for you Courtney. With God in your life you will be a different person, a happy person, someone with a smile on her face. You are a beautiful person on the inside and out. My love for you is unconditional and unexplainable. The first day I had the pleasure of meeting you and Travis I opened my heart to you and God gave me the ability to love you as my own. I feel things happen for a reason and God put us in each others lives because at that time we needed each other. I hope now that you have God in your life you can forgive me as God forgives all of us for mistakes we make. Please know you are very special to me and always will be. I love you, Courtney.


    Shekina by Blindside

    Vattnet svart Som månen full Varm nattbris viskar Att jag är naken och ny
    Water black As the moon is full Warm nightbreeze whispers.
    I’m naked and new I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky.
    Well, tonight I caught one.
    Sixteen years old I dare to swim further out.
    I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky.
    Well, tonight I caught one.
    Som om man kunde Vidröra lycka Jag virar den runt mig
    Som en filt Det är bara Du, jag och månen
    Like joy was something you could touch I wrap it around me Like a blanket.
    It’s just you, me and the moon.
    I know you’re always throwing kisses from the sky.
    Well, tonight I caught one.
    Sixteen years old I dare to swim further out.
    I know you’re always throwing kisses from the the sky.
    Well, tonight I caught one.

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